I went out with the neighbor girls tonight and now I am wired. I didnt even have a drink or anything...Well, I guess I did if you count MelloYello. I think my mind is all stimulated from adult conversation. I forgot what that was like...even though most of the talk was about the kids and pregnancy anyway. But really...days like this are kind of though, and I know that I shouldnt feel bad because I am very lucky to have my 3 kids, and I know for us- that is a good number. But ever since Ryan was born...I have always wanted one more. I love being pregnant and I love the baby stage. There are times when I am scrapbooking Ryan's baby book that I get choked up seeing the fresh little newborn hospital pictures- and it sucks because I know I will never experience it again. Now its all just a memory and I fee like I still teeter on the decision. I would love to be pregnant and have another little baby. I still think it's hard to find out people are pregnant and to see baby bellies... I just have to remind myself about how busy we are, and about all the other reasons we decided to be done too. But because there is that part of me that just doesnt care about those reasons and wants nothing more than to have just 1 more- today was so hard. I found out someone we know is expecting another baby...this is their 4th. Then tonight, one of the girls there was adorable and preggo, and then three more neighbors are pregnant...one 6 weeks, one 11 weeks, and one due in December. I am happy for them, but in my mind I am totally jealous!! I know that I shouldnt be, because we have our three little guys- but how do you NOT be?? I seriously need to tell myself it would be NUTS with 4 and to remind myself of the trips we will take...and about the extra attention that a baby would take away from our three. And I know enough people who have tried for a long time to have a baby, and if I could give up my chances (even though it's not possible anymore) to promise they could have one, I would do it so fast and I want it for them SO much. So I feel guilty even saying this when they deserve it so much more. But damn. I will always feel that weird "what if" or "Should we have"... But, I am totally happy with my honeys and I have no regrets about stopping to make sure that they got enough attention from us :) BUT if anyone ever has a baby, you can fully expect me at your doorstep at all hours of the night :)I will bring treats, and diapers and anything else you want. I am totally kidding. Just let me hold it and smell it... I will even do over nights for you so you can get a good night sleep! I might buy it clothes... and you might need to pry it out of my arms... but thats about it.
please? I wonder if the labor and delivery floor would think I was weird if I asked if I could just hang out there?? (kidding again...)
In about 6 years when I have one you can definitly help me out! Now I want to hold a baby!
ReplyDeleteOh...I am so glad to hear someone else say what I feel. I really like being pregnant, the whole process, even delivery isn't bad in my opinion. We have two little ones right now and are thinking four will be our final number...but I know when that day comes and we are finished with the babies I will be sooo sad. When we brought our second baby home back in May I wanted to be in the moment, but I kept thinking how many more times do I get to do this? I don't think of myself as baby crazy....I just love everything that goes along with the journey and experience of having a baby...and of course I love the being a mom part too. For me it's not about the baby so much as it is getting to meet a new member of our family. Who's coming next? It's so exciting to think about! I understand your feelings completely.
ReplyDeleteThanks :) I really think 4 is a good number! It's nice and even so it makes some things easier...like rides at parks and other things where each of the kids can pair up and have a buddy. Then it's nice for the parents too...a little hand for each of ours! And I know what you mean about being in the moment. I would always think, "This is the last time I get to buy formula, or size 1 diapers, or baby food"... or anything. And I couldn't agree more with loving the whole experience too- It is so exciting. I love seeing the 2 pink lines on the test and then experiencing everything from morning sickness, to telling everyone the news, feeling it move for the first (and any) time, thinking of names, wondering what it will look like, what its personality will be, will it be a boy or girl... what will they be like as kids, and as parents. I love watching them grow up...even though it is sad to see my babies get big, I am so proud of everything they do and what they've learned. It is so special :)
ReplyDeleteThanks! It is nice to know that other people feel the way I do too!
I so understand! And not just cuz we're trying...but I absolutely LOVED being pregnant and I LOVED the newborn and baby ages.
ReplyDeleteHang in there kiddo. If I ever have another one, you can so babysit anytime! :) And I'll let you smell it and hold it as much as you want! I promise!