I need to just give a fast update on some stuff for this to even make sense-
Me and Jake have decided we are done having kids, so I am going to go in and get my tubes tied at the end of July. I seriously think this was the hardest decision I have ever made so far. It killed me...it is all I would think about from the time I woke up, until the time I went to bed. It would just pop into my head when I was least expecting it and it would drive me crazy. Are we having another, arent we having another. It was crazy. I got to the point though, where I was able to tell myself it was better financially, and better for our other kids if we were done. I have 3 beautiful and healthy little boys and I am so lucky. And every time I get a little sad about being done, all I have to do is think about bringing them to Disney World someday. Or not having to say be quiet, the baby is sleeping dont play so loud. Or not having to say just wait, I cant color with you right now because I am doing________ (fill in the blank...oh and keep it clean would ya?? haha). I think I will always be a little sad about it- but think that I would be sad to end the whole prego/baby phase no matter when we stopped- and I have already mourned buying the last can of baby formula ever, and using the infant carseat for the last time ever, and buying the last jars of baby foodever- so why put myself through it again?? :) I still find myself staring at cute little baby bumps on moms, and wondering what if. I still see little newborns in Target and want to go stare at how tiny and cute they are... but I will get over that. It will be nice to have my big boys and do the fun big boy things with them and just spoil the heck out of them (without making them greedy).
So today, we spent the day outside playing with neighbors and hanging out while Jake and his dad put our play set together. When we got back to our yard at the end of the day, Justin told me he had fun playing with the little girl. She was very nice mommy, he told me. Then he tells me, "I wish we had a girl." My heart sank man. didnt even know what to say, because I will never be able to give him that. He said he wants a baby sister. So here I am thinking I made a decision that would give the boys a better life with more attention and things that go along with not having one more kid, and here all Justin seems to want is another baby...a girl. The thing is, this is not the first time he has said this kind of thing to me. I know he is not the one who would need to raise it and pay for it and ge tup with it at 12, 1, 2, 4, 6 and change its diaper when you are half a sleep... but it was just like I hit a brick wall when he said that. The decision was already hard enough, now I have to think about Justin saying he wants to have another baby in the house to play with and that I cant give that to him. I thought I had it all figured out. Things wont change, and I will still get my tubes tied...but now I will have the little look of disappointment at let down in my 3 year olds eyes to deal with too.
Damn
Oh hon! What a tough decision to make! Sounds like you and Jake have really thought it through though and have made the best decision for your family!
ReplyDeleteAren't kids good at making you rethink your entire world? AND aren't they good at making you feel even worse about stuff (without trying of course)! Belle always seem to ask me on the worst day "When are we having a baby?"! You know...those day I already want to cry and crawl into a hole!
Stay strong! And you know you can always call if you need to talk (or we can set up a playdate!!!!). XOXO
I'm not sure if this will make you feel better or worse. I had my tubes tied is 2002. Every once in a while I get the itch. Luckily, the tubal prevents me from making any rash decisions. Also, you will always look at the pregnant women and the babies with longing, but then you think of the sleepless nights and it makes it a little less fun. Just look forward to holding everyone else's babies and not having to worry about the responsibility.
ReplyDeleteThanks
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Hey Krissy,
ReplyDeleteI am glad for you that you finally got to make the decision, and what a tough one it is!!! I must say that you guys are right about the financial aspect of it all, we were just talking the other day that we do not know how we or people with more than 4 kids do it!! It is tough, do not get me wrong I would not change having 4 kids for anything, but it is very hard! The other thing that is hard about 4, is giving each of them the individual time that they each need, usually it is all of us or none of us, so we have been trying harder lately to at least have one of us spend one on one time with each of them. And I must say that after having Molly, I no longer feel like I want another baby, I finally feel like I know I am done having kids and no longer look at a baby like awwwww I want one! Even holding friends babies is like whatever:)
You guys made the right decision for you and you guys are great parents and you will be very greatful that you both agreed on it and you will give those boys the life they dream about, you guys are such wonderful and great parents!!!
And one last thing..... The boys may say they want a sister, but then when she gets here.... that is another story:) :) My boys spoil Molly, but at the same time she is getting into all their stuff and wreaking things that they have made, so some days they get a little fed up with her:)